KuKukacho Kakaw
by rosehale
Summary: Sorry about the lack of updating our computer is stupid.
1. OH NO!

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Disclaimer: I OWN BIRD WOMEN and AARON CARTER!

KuKuKachoo Kakaw

BPOV

I couldn't tell Edward my secret! If I did he wouldn't love me anymore. The thing was, was that I was part woman part bird, and when I was annoyed, I turned into a bird woman. But when I moved to Forks, I didn't turn into a bird that often, I was less angered all the time, because I had Edward. But I didn't expect to hurt Edward with this secret...

One day, Edward was picking me up from school, and he leaned in to kiss me in the parking lot. I was annoyed that day because I failed a math test and I didn't feel like being kissed. So suddenly, out of nowhere, I felt my beak growing in. _Oh no!_ I thought as Edward stopped kissing me because my beak was poking his cheek. Suddenly I bit Edward's nose off, and he looked like Michael Jackson! Then he started speaking backwards in Italian! OH NO!

"Bella?" he asked. I grew wings and flew out of the car and went to my nest that I shared with Aaron Carter. This whole bird woman thing started when I was 2. One day I was playing with my friend Renee Swan at the park! We were best friends! I wonder whatever happened to that girl. Anyway, back to my story. I was playing 10 legged race with Renee because she had a trillion legs, and some guy with a beak and feathers came up to us.

"MY SPIDEY SENSES ARE TINGLING!" he said and he threw me onto his back and flew me to his nest. But it turned out to be Jesse McCartney who tried to give me a hickey, but ended up turning me into a bird woman. Only because he bit down to far.

"I love you Sam!" He said.

"BUT I'M BELLA!" I yelled as I threw a bucket at his head. That caused his to turn into Bam Margery and his girlfriend Sam. They ran off and got married leaving me alone in the nest.

That caused me to fly to Forks and who did I meet on the way? CAPTAIN PLANET!

"The power is yours!" he said and he handed me a magic ring. My power was that after the planetaries cleaned up the earth, I got screw it all up again! YAY! So then I continued my fly to Forks.

When I got there I went to high school, and everybody thinks they know the story from there, but actually Stephenie Meyer told the story wrong. I don't know what's with that insane suicidal retard.

So I met some dude named Jamie McBucklehaed but he preferred to be called, Edward Cullen. So basically this guy was the reincarnation of Marylin Manson. He bowed down to his brother who was named Herman McLoseryo, but Emmett Cullen. Those two were hitting on each other for sure. I knew it! But I loved the one that they all called Alice. Shh. Don't tell. She reminded of a sheep I had the hotts for in Pennsylvania. So Edward asked me out, and I agreed so that I could get closer to the one they called alice. But I called her my little sheep and I baaed at her quite often, but I don't think she liked it very much. So yea, and thats how we got to where we are now.

So then I started making out with Aaron Carter, because he is a bird man. So I was cheating on Edward this whole entire time. "WHAT'S YOUR BEEF?" Aaron asked the egg that I laid.

"Aaron stop yelling at my baby!" I cried. I sat on my egg and it hatched into Aunt Jemima and flew away. As my baby flew, she spread out pancakes to all the good little boys and girls and they grew to know her and love her as Santa Clause. But the Easter Bunny was jealous so he joined up with 50 cent, and shot her on valentines day. She died with a pancake in her mouth. Ugh the fatty.

A/N - DID YA LIKE IT? PLEASE REVIEW! I worked so hard on writing this. I love you all. MWA


	2. A normal day?

1**Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Twilight, but I own all the other crazy stuff p**

**A/n - My sis wants to thank everybody for the great reviews. **

**Umm sry if this chapter isnt really as great as the second. **

Chapter Two

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BPOV

I was so depressed by the loss of my first child, that I started to drink lots and lots of vodkas. Once I drank a 10000000000 oz. Can in two milliseconds. Aaron Carter must have been afraid, because he committed suicide. So that made me even more depressed. Until I met Mr. Rogers, another alcoholic. But one day, some guy named Samurai Jack recruited us to AA (Alcoholics anonymous.) There I met some freak named Virgin Mary, But he was convinced his name was Gerard Way, even though it wasn't. So then Gerard started singing and dancing in front of the whole group of alcoholics...yea he must be suicidal.

Then we all had introduce ourselves. I was introduced to some guy who looked like he had a rhinoceros for a head named Danny Tanner. So then Gerard was cracking up at Danny's unusual shaped head and Danny lunged at him and bit every single one of Gerard's fingers off. Gerard ran from the room screaming "I'M NOT OK I PROMISE!" Danny ran after him, and you heard a couple of screams and shrieks and then Danny walked in with blood all over his face. Then he resumed his position sitting next to his boyfriend Paula Abdul. Paula stood up and cleared **HIS** throat. "My darling Dannykins and I started a band called Simple plan and you are all not invited to our concerts! YAY!" He jumped up and down and clapped his hands squealing for joy. All these freaks made me never want to drink again, so I walked out of the room and said "KACHOAH! I'M FREE!" But it made me angered that my dear Mr. Roger's was still stuck in the horrible place. Then I felt my beak growing in and I had one sudden impulse– to eat Edwards ear!

Edward happened to be at Wendy's standing in line behind Drake Bell who was holding a knife in his hands. He then walked into the kitchen. Drake took the knife and started to saw at his arm. Then after t was totally disconnected from his body, he threw it in the Chili, and started handing out free bowls of Chili to everybody. Since everybody was distracted by this, I walked up behind Edward and tore his earlobe off.

"GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Edward screamed as I happily munched on his ear.

"YUMMMMM!" I said as I reached to bite the other ear. But then Superman came and swept me off of my feet. "Lois Lane will you marry me?" He asked in front of the Wendy's customers. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Drake Bell screamed. "WHAT HAPPENED TO US SUPERMAN? WHAT HAPPENED TO _US?_" Suddenly, Superman morphed into Katie Holmes. "We were over two years ago if I remember correctly." Katie said smartly. She was still hold me in her arms. Drake's face turned pale as he realized Superman was Katie Holmes this entire time. As I was about the reject Katie, everything was disrupted when Peewee Herman ran up to Drake and started kissing him. It was so weird! So Drake and Peewee left Wendy's hand in hand with a just married banner trailing on the train of Drake's wedding dress. As those two left, Carlisle walked in looking concerned towards Edward. He had the most concerned look on his face, and started to bite his nails. Then he took a pinwheel out of his pocket, blew on it, and copied it circular motion.

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**A/n- Ok I have to admit, my 5 year old sister didnt think of this all by herself... we sorta... edited it... but the story is my sisters. R&R And we will write mroe soon**


	3. OH NO EDWARD CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET!

DISCLAIMER: I OWN BIRD WOMAN KAKAW!

Chapter 3

BPOV

So after I left Wendy's, Zac Effron and I were having an interesting conversation, when he offered me, a fudgy wudgy bar.

"SJGHKSBDGOAIHGLAHSGPI FUDGIE WUDGIE BAR!" were his exact words. But I understood old hairy monkey talk, and I spit on his red basketball shoes and started crying.

"FUDGY WUDGY BARS REMIND ME OF MY DEAD GRANDPA!" I screamed. I started doing a rain dance and summoned up Ray Charles from the dead. He took Zac Efrron, and ground him into coffee and drank him.

"YUM COFFEE!" He yelled before being sucked into my pants. Then Freddy Mercury walked into the room and yelled "I JUST WON THE LOTTERY!" In a thick Irish accent. Then he joined Ray Charles. I shrugged and walked away.

I felt my wings grow in, and I flew over to some random kid named George Bush's house. He was playing with his best friend Saddam Hussain. They were playing battleship. Saddam yelled out "A,3" and George's face turned a bright shade of orange. "YOU SUNK MY BATTLESHIP BIOTCH!" and slapped him. "NOW WE ARE AT WAR !" He walked away, into his closet and came out in an Uncle Sam outfit and started recruiting ants for his army. Meanwhile, Saddam was making nuclear weapons. Then they started their war. On Saddam's side, there was Minnie Mouse, Kurt Cobain, and Boy George. George had, The Ant Bully, the ants from the movie "Antz", and his great Aunt Tessy who rose from the dead. Minnie Mouse stepped on everybody on team U.S.A, and Saddam wins! And he names the country Saddam Francisco. I shrugged and flew away to Jesse McCartney.

Jesse was having an engaging conversation with Edward, who was trying to get me back. He had a broken nose, and had to get plastic surgery, and he still looked like Michael Jackson. I am so glad we are over. I walked into the house and said hello to Jesse.

"Bella!" Edward said.

"KAKAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW" I screamed at him.

"Bella, please! I love you more than cheesecake, and that's a lot!" Edward said trying to embrace me.

"I LOVE WORMS!" I yelled. "More than I love you!" Edward looked hurt.

"More than cheesecake?" He said while shoving a piece into his mouth.

"Defiantly...more...than...cheesecake." I said. He broke down crying. Then he said:

"FINE WE ARE OVER AND I...AM COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET!" him and Jesse McCartney then made Brokeback Mountain 2.


	4. Carlisle and Esme!

Disclaimer: YOUR MOM:

This chapter is dedicated to Carlisle and Esme. Our idiots!

Chapter 4.

Meanwhile in our story, Carlisle and Esme were having issues of their own.

"YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME WITH ROSALIE! HOW CAN YOU!" Esme screamed. Carlisle angrily pacing around Esme in their room as she sulked with her head in the pillow, smothering her muffled cries of infidelity.

Carlisle, waving his arms about like a drenched chicken would, "I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS BLASPHEMY! I DID NOT CHEAT ON YOU WITH OUR OWN LITTLE ROSALIE! Yes, our own...little...adorable Rosalie...our own little, scrumptious, erotic, great bottomed, perfectly thin, Rosalie...our own little..." Carlisle moon walked as he began making a birdhouse out of the Mona Lisa.

"Carlisle I know you did! Why can't you just tell me the truth? I SLAVE OVER A HOT OVEN ALL DAY TO MAKE YOU HOT DOGS YOU DONT EVEN EAT AND I FIND OUT YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME WITH ROSALIE. **ROSALIE**. I MEAN YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE THAT LITTLE..." Esme screeched and Rosalie walked into the room. She had a confused look on her face.

"WELL I FIND OUT THAT YOU ARE NOT CHEATING ON ME WITH ROSALIE! **ROSALIE**! I EXPECT TOO MUCH OF YOU, YOU OLD SAGGY WHORE!" Carlisle yelled trying to hide his smirks.

Esmes tone softened. "Car-" she sputtered out before spitting on Carlisle's feet and running out of the room…into a wall.

Carlisle lifted his head up and appeared to be gently smiling at the heavens as he spoke, "What did I do to deserve this disgusting whore?" Esme screamed on the top of her lungs, "YOU PROPOSED! THAT IS WHAT YOU DID...YOU...YOU...!" Esme wallowed in her self-pity as she cried her eyes out. Carlisle started to put used gum in her hair as he held her and said his apologies.

"Carlisle- I accept your apology... but why is my hair pink and sticky? I am allergic to gum!"

"No you aren't, you just have a catastrophically disastrous allergy that may be fatal to bubble or blowing gum." He looked at her as if she was a two-year old who was learning to say, "Momma."

Esme shrugged and walked over to the mirror with her hairbrush. She checked her "new doo" out nodding and smiling. She even winked at herself a couple of times, which caused Carlisle to back away from her whispering. "She's cheating on me with herself!" He ran out of the room to the best therapist in town. Marylin Manson.

Esme was still attempting to brush her…hair. She was so happy with her new style. It matched all her orange clothes. She walked out of her closet, and her reflection consisted of her, her new bubblegum hair, and some hangers and gum wrappers caught in the mess. "Ah! Much better now!" she exclaimed as her face broke out with hives. This caused Mr. Clean to run into the room. "YOU ARE DYING!" He yelled. He was so bald, that the sun reflected off of his head, which melted Esme's "doo", and hair. Esme now looked identical to Carlisle, and started selling Roses… Two blooms for a penny.

**MEANWHILE!**

"Hello Dr. Dude guy! I be Carlisle Cullen. I am a well respected Dr. myself!" Carlisle says as he takes out all his "permits" which were actually tickets to The Veronicas concert. Guest starring Kelly Clarkson and Ashlee Simpson.

"Hello, THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE! How are you?" Marylin said as his fingers twitched. He was wearing a pink tutu and had a sailor cap on. Carlisle shook his head and ran to the Veronica's concert. But not before making Marylin Manson into Chili and eating him!

When he got to the concert, there was an epic war going on between the Veronica 1 and Ashlee "Homer" Simpson. They were fighting over Ryan Cabrera… who was making out with The other Veronica right in front of her sister. :0 Homer went in for the attack and swallowed the Veronica whole! As everybody cheered, some guys from the reservation came onstage in kayaks sining "RowRowRow Your Boat… I mean mom."


End file.
